I’ve recently turned 43 years old and in order to celebrate, I would like to share a few things I’ve learned over the last decades:
#1 It’s better to have no friends than toxic friends.
In the past, I had a so-called “best friend” who constantly criticised me in a very malicious way. Every time we socialised she found something that was supposedly wrong with me.
After our interactions, I often felt confused and tried to analyze what she has said to me. This girl brought down my self-esteem all the time. Our relationship was a reflection of my relationship with my narcissist mother, who also constantly made these subtle remarks about how inadequate I was in her eyes.
When I was younger, I have attracted many people into my life who constantly made these sneaky remarks concerning my person in order to dampen my self-worth. Unfortunately, I became aware of this very late in my life.
Today I am very conscious about it and I believe it is much better to have zero friends and to be completely lonely and to even feel horrible about it, rather than to have frenemies. At least now you have a chance to find better acquaintances who build you up instead of tearing you down.
Keeping toxic people around you is like swallowing a little bit of poison every day and expecting to stay healthy.
Also, don’t try to “manage” a narcissist. As someone with a set of narcissist parents, I can assure you that it’s impossible, just like it’s impossible to keep a dangerous snake in your apartment and trying to “manage” it. The only sane action is to remove this thing out of your life asap.
#2 Women guard your ovaries as if the quality of your life, and even more important, the quality of your childs life depends on it. Because it does!
In today’s world, women are encouraged to treat sex just as casually as men do, and that is a huge mistake. Men can’t get pregnant, but you can! Therefore it is incredibly irresponsible to even entertain the thought of a sexual relationship with a man who is unsuitable to be a dad.
I know this flys right into the face of feminism, but I couldn’t care less. I care much more about the wellbeing of children than about the feelings of women or sexual freedom. Sleeping with random strangers or chronically unemployed, aggressive or substance addicted men shouldn’t even be an option for women.
And no, abortion isn’t an option either, because that is punishing someone else for your mistake.
Divorce is always traumatic for children and single motherhood is closely rated to poverty, both in the US and in Germany.
Statistically speaking the children of single mothers have bad outcomes, with sons frequently serving prison sentences and daughters ending up with teen pregnancy.
Moms new boyfriend or stepdad are often very dangerous for kids to be around, often resulting in either physical or sexual abuse.
I know a woman who cheated on her husband (who was an excellent dad for their children) for some stupid, selfish reason, as she herself openly admitted. The marriage ended in divorce.
Her new boyfriend sexually abused both of her daughters, which caused severe mental disorders in both kids. One girl was admitted to psychiatric hospital because of it.
I firmly believe that everything that has to do with (potential) procreation and the bringing up of children is to be treated with extreme seriousness, and not casual, as it is often the case nowadays. Sex is not a recreational activity!
The best environment for children is to grow up is with emotionally and financially stable biological parents who are married to each other. It’s the duty of women to do everything they can, even before conception, to ensure such a nurturing environment for their kids.
Another unpopular, politically incorrect opinion of mine is, that I am convinced that you shouldn’t marry outside your culture or religion to avoid marriage problems and children who suffer from serious identity issues.
#3 If you don’t have a supportive family, studying a subject that won’t get you a well-paying job immediately after you leave university is a very costly luxury.
I know someone who has a PhD in German and who wanted to work for a marketing company as a content producer. She quickly found out that she was expected to do months of unpaid internship beforehand. This is industry standard here in Germany!
She couldn’t afford it because she had nobody who would pay for her rent and health insurance during all these months.
She now has decided to get some extra qualifications in computer science since employment opportunities are much better here. Of course getting these extra qualifications will further delay her plans for marriage and motherhood.
After my Masters in pedagogy I as well as a friend who had studied something similar, suffered quite a lot of difficulties getting into proper employment.
I think studying a field that is more in demand like Accounting or STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering and Mathematics) is a better option than liberal arts for people who can’t count on support from their relatives until they have successfully launched their career.
#4 Money is important!
A lot of people try to tell us that money isn’t really important. You see it on Facebook quotes or Instagram posts. But this is a lie. Money is very important!
One hard lesson life taught me is that you should live below your means, ALWAYS!
Never get into consumer debt in order to impress your peers, especially if you don’t have parents who will bail you out.
My downfall was a Barclaycard that I owned while being a student. I used it to buy cool clothes, go to nightclubs and purchase CDs, all the while expecting to pay it off with the high salary I expected to receive after uni. Big mistake!
Also, when you consider marriage, consider the earning potential of your future husband. Will he be able to provide well or will you be sentenced to a life of poverty? Does he even want to work? Don’t be fooled by feminism, few women want to work fulltime while their husbands stay at home and watch the kids.
#5 Once traumatized always traumatized.
Unfortunately time doesn’t heal all wounds. You can’t get rid of trauma, you can only learn to cope with it by educating yourself.
However, a bad childhood should inspire you to become a better person than the people who have raised you. This is your chance to break the multigenerational cycle of abuse and neglect your family of origin suffered from. You can be a hero and change the destiny of your children and grandchildren!
#6 Religion has saved me from the worst.
I’m very grateful for my religion (which happens to be evangelical Christianity). Since I didn’t get proper moral guidance from my parents, I had to learn it all from scratch as an adult in my mid-twenties.
The solid teachings of the bible have protected me from a lot of evil that was just waiting to happen to a young, clueless woman who didn’t have lots of role models in her life.
Thanks to my faith I have gone neither through divorce nor an abortion and I don’t have out-of-wedlock children. As a child of divorce, raised by a single mother, I consider this a success.
Until next time,
[Photo by Elements5 Digital on Unsplash.com]